https://discordedtieunited.blogspot.com/2016/
Go to the bottom of the page and read my panics at an unseen force.
These were removed because I feared the were not clear at the time. You can see my commentary it the yonder book, but that book has its own conflict repeated here in later thought.
The problem is that when this first blog is written, I am in psychosis due to withdrawal from amphetamines, which is at the time the third time I take amphetamines, but takes place after a single occasion of taking meth-amphetamines. In each occasion here afterwards I feel bad for a time, then fine, then I enter a nightmarish psychosis where each time I must face off against nightmares that descend all the way to the bottom of hell.
This is why one does not take these drugs when not prescribed. The story of Elixe represents an example of a potential use or consequence created when villainous people take the worse version of the ampetamines and are then imprisoned. This means you withdraw most certainly and you are not comfortable.
What does this have to do with the Hzulthug? That image above? It's because the four spirits related to the original conflict, that of Prosporo have an uncanny resemblence to the withdrawal and actions of the addiction in its entirety. Why a 16 year old knows the effects at the time when I wrote them down is beyond me. However, the point is that one should not for two reasons, firstly its high is higly addictive and second its withdrawal is most certainly a monster on its own.
But the final point, is that while I was withdrawing from both amphetamines and still dealing with the delusions from the meth-amphatimine I took once. Today due to circumstances of very coincedental manner I am now addicted to meth.
By coincedence, I mean when I was sober, I was still smoking weed, I tried to stop weed because I was having difficulty focusing on my work, which is why it changes as seen by the amount of blogs I have written:
https://thepileofincomplition.blogspot.com/p/blog-page.html
And was trying to see if I had adhd, as I had once been diagnosed as a child but never medicated. Now the problem is that once I withdrew from weed, the damage my brain had received from the meth increased in symptom:
In similar manner I returned to find more weed, only to find amphetamines on the floor, then meth yet again, for 6 months I went from my home and would spend a total of 3,6 to 12 hours a day wandering and quickly finding that drug. This led to shorter bursts of my projects as each day I would run out of pleasure to do the work, then have to go get some from the floor during the withdrawal and come back with or without a high, to continue.
Sometimes I would walk, for 6 straight hours in the middle of the night, across my entire city just to get to the drug and then walk back high or not. Sometimes I'd take the bus there or back as I would often become exhausted. These were not painful as I was long into pain by that time.
Eventually however I began to gain a tolerance to the microscopic amounts I acquired and started looking for a way to gain even more, this led to ending up buying some and thats where I'm stuck permanantly now.
It should be added that this will happen to anyone who even tries this, unless they happen to not find it enough times, I will not be revealing its best location as this is inapropriate.
This will also not help a person who is already addicted as it is built only from the leftover of what is left and thus is mostly a quick way for someone to get sucked into it, but not enough to get an effect if one went the usual root.
This method of discover was inspired by chancarts and the actual functions of chance, which while magical when no connection to causation is found, once a repeated pattern of location is detected, it is almost always found there, it works from garbage to drugs and this means while the first is perfect for acquiring rescources to then build things with parsemy, the second will imprison you in the need to buy more drugs and thus you will be trapped in the situation until a future where affordability provides other means.
Bare in mind, that while the phental concepts appear entertaining at first, in time they become normalized and thus they become mundane like buying a coffee, still enjoyable but in need of more in the dreams discovered through its processes.
It should therefore be said that, while you can live in the manner of using only phentals and the manner of only getting high ( because the drug is fooling you ) it will not easily be more then this at this time period.
As such, one should avoid purposely seeking out even a joint on the floor, because its so easy and unconsequential that oneday when you want some and don't find some, if you happen to find something else, you will more likely take the alternative, because as often said, weed is a gateway drug.
You will still end up spending money and more of it, because I no longer want to be sober, as sobriety is no longer fun for me by the fact of that drug, which no longer gets me high and makes me feel mostly sober.
Thus you will be caught avoiding the thing forever, as it once again isn't the hallucinations in all case that are problematic ( if your like me ) it's being sober and the feeling of it now that you've seen what should not have been seen, in the higher levels of dopamine which have essentially locked you into a new consumption.
Below are the four beings I drew at 16 which represented the touch zombies, which are caused by four spirits:
In order they are the following:
- Pavoriess: Dread, the one who brings about hallucinations in the day or night of nightmares.
- Hzulthug: The feeling which makes one want to consumed, but is also gross and dry, exhausting and insomniac.
- Animianis: The fleeting memory of what took place while and also what it was like, that only makes you want it more. Remains forever.
- Lepoxiania: The one of madness, who brings delusion, paranoia, and nightmares of sleep which can sometimes not be woken from.
These are the new interpretations of these things, at sixteen I wrote the following down:
- Lepoxiania: Proud and prown to rash decision. The persomnia of sanity is dangerously unpredictable. Doing things for his own amusement, instead of what is right at the time.
- Pavoriess: People caught in the gaze of fear itself hallucinate and witness a place where only terror exists, And with every blink of her eyes the demon of dread shows places more horrific then the last.
- Hzulthug: The Hivemind of Indulgence Unlike the other Persomnia, Hzulthug does not have a physical form but instead possesses thousands of people at once to use them as his body so he can indulge in his ever unsatisfied urges.People possessed by him do not realize it and slowly develop twisted and sadistic forms of pleasure. An example of such a person would be one who cuts himself not for emotion distraction but because they enjoy the pain at ecstatic levels as well as watching their own blood slowly drip off there pale starved hands.Over long periods of time, a vessel's body slowly deteriorates and changes, becoming a horrific twisted monstrosity of the people they once were. Still very much sane its only now that a person realizes they are a vessel of the Hzulthug. And its at that moment the demon leaves their body. But his damage cannot be undone.
- Animianis: As the devourer of knowledge feeds on your memories, you watch them repeat and collapse on themselves creating infinite loops of continuous memory
Lepoxiania's order is reversed in the original because at the time he represents my desires at 16 to go mad and my issues with dark ideas in my head that give me pleasure, which I am trying to conquer in battle against them, albeit I never end up fighting them and only end up staring at them until I like them even more.
Lepoxiania's new nature is the only part I like while withdrawing, the part where I dream horrible nightmares that I don't and do enjoy in a manner like I was writting as a kid, but now far more vivide then paper. An example is at the end of this discussion.
The point is that most people don't want to do this drug, but most never look up what it does and most importantly its damage to the mind is permanent and does not go away and can happen after one moderately large dose. For the three years I went without, I needed to smoke weed, lay in bed and masterbate for an hour or go for a long walk, just to escape its torment. At the time I did not know it was due to meth. It's only once it gets worse after I do it again that I realize its that.
Lemurias flower, is the chancart stumble on a bag and taste it and then feeling fucking great for twelve hours, this decreases slowly and you end up spitting in other peoples discarded meth pipes and swallowing whats left in there to get high, or breaking the glass pipe and licking shards of glass because you want to get high that much.
Lemurias flower will make you hunt it each day, not necessarily at first but in definite climax.
You won't be able to do what you used to enjoy for a time each day afterwards and that time growes but never completely, with each hit and all it takes is one. This leaves the problem as the only real solution to itself:
And she is still gonna cost you a fortune, her original definition is:
- Ancoria: he persomnia of hope wishe's to help and aid people, giving them something to look forward too in the future. But she is powerless when the people she loves and care for give up. Bearing the sword of man, Ancoria is the protector of humanity, but she is powerless once hope has disappeared from the faces of her people.
She is the other side of Pavoriesse.
Lemurias flower, exists further in those who do purchase it, often in crime in an attempt to gain more of it, especially if they have the other issue of pleasure brought on by nature or abuse, which is often a common ( but not always ) trait of anti-social personality disorder. Where a person gains pleasure from misconduct.
These shortcuts, cause a person to end up with a major consequence and the result is that same issue they try to avoid, withdrawing, often because they are more interested in accessing a high that is fleeting in time and eventually bound for ones own death or inability to reach by economical scale.
All of this is further worsened because part of the withdrawal insludes what is called the wall, which is the part of the withdrawal that occures after the honeymoon, where everything is mostly fine ( if you can even reach it ) after about a month ( longer in smaller doses ) one hits the wall and all of this returns as or worse then before for atleast 6 months. Then your left with the pain that never goes away.
Essentially, never do this drug. However, I also warn against a 6th spirit which is the origin of my original tasting of this drug, which is put simply is why it is illegal.
A person who is already doing drugs such as weed and maybe more, will be fine with trying more drugs, this may lead, especially in university to trying adhd medication to improve study work, Amphetamines while not as bad ase Meth-amphatamines are still highly addictive when abused and this is because they are never taken as prescribed nor are they necessarily for that person who simply procrastinated.
irrelevant of this, in the same space, are people who for the need often of money, approach people trying to sell drugs, or in my case, offer it while having sex with the person. These two forms can easily fool a person into taking meth and often it is not told to you that you are taking it when you do.
Rather in the case I am describing, they call it by a different and less obvious name, only to then tell you what it is once your high and you like it/ don't care anymore. At which point they'll later message you again to see if you want even more, which often ( not in my case ) is the case.
In my case, I was looking to get laid and I was on amphetamines from studying the day before and could not sleep, but was done for the night, so I went to an older gentlemans house, after he invited me to come have sex and further to try a drug called Tina.
I knew it was Meth, I was smart enough to guess what was going on and went anyways because my ego is too large. The result is 12 hours at a bath house, when I returned I read the whole of what happens if you quit the drug while withdrawing, this happened to create the delusion itself and this produced the following rant the next day:
This is the being of addiction, slavery and altered reality. She is a monstrous being who plays a simple game, she appears to those who feel a lack of something, a will for greater experience yet she is in league with lies , her gifts are poison and they will likely lead to destruction. Her power is immense in her capacity to trick the mind and make it her slave. The simplest of fools can fall into her trap, but it is only the strong that escape and even then one could easily fall back into her trap. Her gifts are so decptive and mind altering that once it is witnessed it can never be unseen. That is her horrific trick, based in memory she can grab hold of many and she takes on many forms, all of which will lead one to the same space: a place which first promised salvation and good, but is truly the most monstrous of horrors. One can only try to escape her grasp by defying her will, yet it can be difficult to beat her as her voice is indistinguishable from yours and so it is a great challenge to distinguish the path that does not lead to her world once more. One will suffer worse in the attempt to escape her than in choosing to stay in her clutches, yet in the end if one already knows how the plot will end if one is still with her, than he might see that it is better to suffer the pain of today for a better tomorrow where her power is weakened, but only if done today and every day, that is one must defy her every cry and calling to her world, or in the end one will be swallowed by her. If one sees her power early, one is at the crossroad and is likely young with her false gifts. If one sees then they should surely decide what path the will take. One of slavery to a being who will torture you, perhaps eternally damage you, never let you escape and perhaps even kill you, or to escape to a place away from her grasp where one is free from her evil illusions and her power over your life. One must learn to defy the will of Adiectia instead of willing the addiction, as escaping Adiectia has nothing to do with ones will power, since it is ones will that causes one to do and it is the will to take her gifts that causes one to fall into her trap, therefore one must will to always defy the will to take her gifts and not simply will to quit. It is time that matters and it is important, as the longer one walks down the path to her realm the harder and more difficult it is to turn around. Because you begin to love her lies of comfort that hide the perhaps hypocritical, monstrous and awesome but still always existing truths that come with living and existing within the world. Adiectia and her power is but a perfect example of life’s strange nature, being an example of the world’s horror, veiled in a dowry of gold. Her power is certainly dangerous and if one can see her darkness hidden behind her light than one should heed warning and escape her or her darkness will certainly consume you.
For a few months, as this was in october things are mostly fine, I only hallucinate for a week on a later occasion and vomit a few times, then imidiatly after christmas I complete this image:
And then after placing it on my wall, I loose my mind, essentially today I consider this the moment I saw the clock that would count down to my way back to the same thing I thought I was prophet for escaping in vain early dreams. As I practiced and still do the art of fixing delusions such that they cannot bother me, and this will lead to the whole adventure that follows.
However, its ending and sequel follows from the moment I take it again and that vanity is shattered but was already slowly fading, as while the beginning of this story is one where I am Pharath and I am fighting hell as shown in the first link above. And even in the second blog:
After I reach the part where I realize people are better off beleiving what they want, I have full withdrawn and conquered all deluions forced on me by the drug I escaped, which I add here, in my case of first trying is exactly how whether guy or girl you are groomed and end up stuck in the human trafficking business. So this is best avoided, never take drugs of any kind ( even weed ) from perfect strangers if sex is involved.
These are the Lemuria's flower, which I warn is the act of continuing to try to get high of it, by the spirit called Pestis which is the spreading of the disease and thus, the act of handing it out to others as would be the most efficient way of acquiring it.
It should be added that for the three years between 19 in october and 22, which is when I am stuck as I went and got meth on my birthday, getting my family to go to a bar close to where I found it, found none and then just wanted to go home and sleep. It had also been a bad day. I had redone it a month before and fled away from my city back to my parents home outside town to try and avoid it, only to forget and end up back there, sometimes at 4 in morning after walking 15.2 kilometers there, then sometimes 15.2 kilometers back. If I felt like slurging I would walk a different root, which was 17.2 kilometers instead. On another occasion, when I was very high, rather then going home after taking the bus back and still needing to walk back out of town from the closest bus stop, I walked a total of 22 kilometers in one night while not wearing socks in boots with holes in it, then took the bus back down one last time, by then I was limping and when I took the two buses back and finally took of my boots, my feet had developped blisters which had been worn down until my feet were red with bloof.
And I was still high until about 12 that afternoon. Could not put my shoes back on and had to wear flip flops and pick my face because I was covered in pimples which are almost impossible to pop, as that is another symptom of meth addiction.
The only part I don't like is when I'm off it and feeling sobriety because it now hurts me instead of feeling healthy and good.
This is why the Hzulthug, the touch zombies and the real Malum are a real thing, and the Lemuria's flower is the problem it creates that leads to crime. Even though I will stand here and say that it is still a very good, if used correctly incentive for people who get high of bad actions which are always illegal, because of their anti-social personality disorder, which is never their fault, but always the result of genetic mutation or abuse.
I'm back from a 1 hour and half walk, where I practiced thinking this part to both grow bored of it and thus make it more advanced and to be less talkative about it because this text has started to become a ramble.
The next part is written on a document then copy and pasted here to measure the length and keep it simple. It is true that I still grow bored while on meth, but it's not as discomforing and is more like a break because I can return to what I'm doing after and not end up on a tangent line like all the other blogs and first large book.
The next part is about Anti-social
personality disorder, because it often ( but not always ) comes with
the action of taking highly addictive drugs and this is because they
are illegal. What does that mean exactly? Simple, when a drug is
illegal or someone tells someone not to do something, they will
either do it or not do it.
Especially if they know its wrong,
people with Anti-social personality disorder know its wrong as much
as anyone else. The issue is that they like the feeling that comes
with being bad and they like it because they lack the ability to feel
empathy when someone is injured and believe it or not, they don't
always know that they can't feel empathy. In fact, a person with ASPD
does not usually recognize the are what they are until their older
and may not even then.
Their is a story of a psychologist
realizing he's a psychopath by accidentally finding out while
studying brain-scans and putting one with the other. He's lucky
because it's likely he missed the discovery of how much fun violent
thoughts are when he was 12 like me. Not heroic violence I must add
but rather things like the good character being possessed by the
villain and literally backstabbing his friend in a very edgy episode
of some old manga called Dragon Knights. The character is name is
Rath, which is still where Pharath and Rath the characters in my
stories come from.
These traits of fantasy, are not always
present in a psychopath and usually its absence leads to less
problems and less acts of conflict, because the feeling is not as
potent, its when you start feeling it and bringing it up in your mind
and literally getting high off it, that you become in need of more
then that first fantasy.
Bare in mind my original fantasy is
different, as I was hitting puberty then and didn't know how to
express it and thus my first arousal is one where I read the bad
ending of a goosebump choose your own adventure book, where the kid
gets turned into a monkey by a witch.
Both of these start before I know what
I'm experiencing as I figure it out when I discover I'm gay and not
straight and while I had not heard of this concept before ( or
perhaps did not remember it as my memory when not on meth is garbage
) I liked it instantly because it blended both the dark feeling with
the actual desire i had and thus made me feel bad, at which point I
was possessed by it and soon discovered porn. I'm 12 at this time and
never got caught watching gay porn on my parents computer, because I
knew it was wrong and would delete my browser history.
I was already bad as a kid though and
without reason, which is why I diagnose myself as a Psychopath with
Sociopathic traits, while not ever having been given a proper
diagnosis because I forgot and failed to mention I like the bad ideas
obsessively and my history of dickish moves as a kid. It's also rare
for a person to go up to a psychologist and say:
“ I think I'm a Psychopath.”
Then lie about stuff when they ask if
you have symptioms cause you weren't sure what they would do if you
told the truth. So my current diagnosis is Schizioaffective, which
relates to my psychosis, which is delusional symptoms I have when I
withdraw from any amphetamine.
What I'm saying is, the issue with a
psychopath who is already doing bad things is that they may say it
was an accident and it may have been, but they are likely lying or
oblivious to the fact that they freaking love it with more pleasure
at times then being with others.
This feeling originates differently in
psychopaths from sociopaths, from the fact that they are either born
with and internal issue that increases bordom to apathetic levels,
which increases rage and their mind progressively grows bored of
everything as they grow older, they enter phases of entertainment,
where at first the love then throw away what they once enjoyed
because they can no longer feel anything with it. So they move on
until they end up stuck at the edge no one wants you to go and that
can start as early as 12 if not earlier.
As their is a case where 7~ year olds
murder a younger boy in cold blood. This means most certainly that
even my case is lucky because I start enjoying these feeling but I
scare myself into stopping because I think too far into it and am
reading stories which are meant for teens or adults that would scare
any kid my age and did.
It returns several times after this, at
13 and 14 while oblivious to its relation my sudden shift into a semi
edgy druggy kid, crossed with an emo persona is directly based off a
toned down use of that feeling. It is the reason I start weed and I
will repeat that this is a gateway drug, because right after weed I'm
seeking more and luckily won't try more for a long time.
It should be added while my narcissism
is not happy for having been removed from that town, that town I
lived in then is worse then the one I lived in for most of this story
and it is likely I'd be long gone if it was not for that move and its
entire consequences that follow. This is the one reason I am grateful
among anger that actually bleeds back to prosporo and later things.
A sociopath, of the other kind is born
from abuse and is while also stuck in these feelings not the same
atleast in what I understand as a Pschopath is rarely bound to anger
and would more often fake it in glee and is calm and very collected
at all times, a sociopath is quickly angered and will lash out
sometimes violently and this is because of abuse which once was so
bad they learned to hate like it and use it to harm people. It can
form both out of physical abuse or loneliness and I say that because
I know more of the loneliness one. Both share in anti-social
behaviors as means to re-leave pain or and boredom as they have by
then either lost interest or seen too much do less then that.
I say less because they still like
normal things, just not as much.
I'm still low on the spectrum, likely a
psychopath who recognized early his issues its potential dangers to
myself as it was likely the time as a kid that I steal candy and get
caught and punished as would and should be done that I realize while
having little real pain, that I may not enjoy greater consequences.
That's a naive childs dream, but it
inspires my ego's narcissism which leads to to me trying to save
myself on my own at 16, likely because I scared myself with a
realization life might be hell alone, A consequences where I harmed
in verbal manner my best friend and ended the friendship as a result,
my anger towards my dad who had recently knocked me into the corner
of table, my interests in psychology, especially psychopaths, drugs
and delusions and my dreams of dreamlike worlds where heroes fight
villains. All of this springing from the fact that as I hit puberty I
abandonnec my creative side I had as a kid and wanted to go back as
the distractions of teenagers was absent, absent because no one cared
about me.
This does not go well as I end up
accepting I live in hell and decide my only solution is to stare at
hell and vanquish it in glance, while thinking god killed himself
cause he got bored. This leads me to rediscovering the feeling of
pleasure of darkness as I begin writing vile hellish equivalents to
stories.
These horrible nightmares are not
entered by will alone, as a person with empathy can't look at them in
their own actions as something of pleasure because it goes against
natural instincts and necessary parts of the human brain that while
breakable are not supposed to occur. As evidently if everyone were
psychopaths they'd basically have gone extinct by now.
I'm lucky, as often a person like this
is either going to be in hell themselves for being able to understand
the consequence on a rational level but require still that feeling
they enjoy that they must avoid, or they go too far and end up in
prison. Often if they start leaning that way too quickly they are
helped behind the scenes of public eye by therapists and the like,
but it's especially the ones who purposely avoid aid, or are never
caught and helped ( like me but not like me ) that they end up with
worse lives, both in what they could have and what they need to do to
feel less suffering.
One of my biggest examples is a
complete disregard of money, which when I receive it I can spend in
one day and then suffer the consequence for the rest of the month, as
I currently live on disability ( for psychosis, drug abuse and my own
person justification of problem with authority as if a teacher or a
person who I'm supposed to listen too is too strict or too demanding,
I become suddenly and very toxic to be around or completely fail to
attend. )
These are symptoms which I do because I
both love and hate shooting myself in the foot, because while I am
sadistic I'm also farther gone then that in that I am also
masochistic. ( not all people involved in BDSM are Antisocial and not
all Antisocial like both or even one.)
What I'm trying to express is that
first it hurts me to avoid thinking of the negative ideas I enjoy
because one can't stop thinking of them when they are directly linked
to my personality, I suffered more during the Discorded#United Blog,
trying to fix issues I enjoyed and trying not to be bad in what I
thought was perfection ( Christianity ) and failed to both not be
aroused by men and only managed a week of no masturbation, before
being tempted and saying just this once, before never stopping again.
This can best be said as an example of
me trying, unlike most to do my best to be a better person then what
I actually am and can be and it ends up hurting and confusing me
more. I end up settling for a be yourself, be gay and leave the
violent urges to fantasy and writing. Which is where I wrote the
story called the Eclia. I have made a second post containing the
story and the version of my life I shared then when I'm still a
little loopy and yet at the part where I think it's right for people
to believe what they want.
This is in turne why I am so adamant
about problems and so adamant about using a written or virtual work
to release my urges. As it works for me and it worked for almost my
whole life, except it begins to fail for a different reason. This is
the next part.
As this part, that of using virtual
spaces is great, because it both provides a way to access the feeling
for lengthy periods like fantasies, collect and record more if you
have memory issues ( due to abuse ) and with virtual reality and
imagination you get to see it and even feel it. With it being exactly
as you dream rather then less so as reality matches not the mind
entirely.
This is my only cure I could find for
the Lemurias flower, which if it is ignored hurts the person by
boredom and which if too excessive and/or other tragedies occurring
later in life or lack of real release ends up causing crime and even
murder. Lemuria's flower is thus the flower of murderous pleasure
which won't go away and will stick with you your whole life.
These stories are better, not because
they follow the following narrative:
He was in the dead of
night and he stalked the person walking alone, he pounced on them and
tore out their throat and then raped and ate their dead body in the
park. Leaving it for children to find in the morning. He would do
this again later as before, in a different part of town. He would
when caught sit in glee in jail as his life was already as prison,
alone with no friends and nothing to do.
The end.
Rather
these stories are meant to be worse then physically possible. Lengthy
and I have left yet another page to this part, where my original
stories are written and which are given the full truth, rather then
the imitated truth of the later blog I wrote while trying to figure
out how to be honest and remember my sins.
These
stories are not horror stories where a character tries to escape a
serial killer, no, they are descriptions of characters going through
a hellish experience which seems to have absolutely no end and which
almost always ends badly.
The one
occassion, where I do not end it baddly is because I'm handing it in
for school and its supposed to have a meaning, which I do not believe
meaning exists at the time. I wrote the story titled Alone based of
my actual experiences of being alone at school, but use a female
lead to hide the fact that the story is about my students and
teachers. I then was going to hand in a version of the story, where
the female character abandons her class to die by cannibal in the
woods and goes and eats a burger as the only survivor.
A girl
who proof read it, tells me she has no reason for abandoning her
classmates even though they ignored her and that it almost makes her
the bad guy. I listen to her and change the ending and learned a
lesson in being the better person in a conflict. What is uncanny is
that I'm before I'm a student handing in a story that means I
secretly confess I would leave my class and teacher to die in the
woods if I ever found a way out they didn't know about. Of which I
presume is a perfectly fine form of justice, because a person with
ASPD has no understanding of right and wrong, they just know if their
caught doing some stuff they get consequences that while annoying
aren't that bad.
This
shows how much my mind is confused at first and even today, when I
meet people who want me to change and be better or listen and follow
their morals and I know I will never be able to. So I solve it by
giving them a space to live rather then convincing a person to
change. As when I was convincing people my acts of debate are both
highly convincing ( when I was atheist ), volatile and cruel. I wish
I could show you one of the comments I made long ago, let me check if
I can find it:
This is
a comment from two years ago when I think I'm jesus:
Comparing
jesus to the color yellow is comparing him to the sun god , wich he
must be greater than for he is God , not a lesser being such as Zeus
or Osiris, although both those beings have good in them , but they
can fall , and that's why they aren't gods , they're angels.
Another
demonstrated more of my christian interpretation at the time, one day
I will look and post all these comments to better collect what
happened when I was on you tube before and after my psychosis.
This one
is lengthy and on the next page:
because
that doesn't go against the bible , except the part where we lived in
flat sphere whose end extended only to the edge of the solar system.
fun fact , some do think that and all of science is conspiracy of the
devil , all science is witchcraft and we need to get rid of it so we
can live like they used to live in the days of old , with the black
plague and swords , oh wait I'm pretty sure swords are also magic
because they let us do something we shouldn't be able to do... guess
we better live with nothing , frolicking on the plains with nothing
but our nails and naked skin to defend ourselves from the Lions and
bears , but it's okay cause we will be in Eden right , that's what it
says , right ? or we could work in science and technology and watch
heaven descend from the sky just as prophesied in the freaking bible.
-.- what you thought jesus was gonna do it ? he did , his word
literally inspired all of us to do the right thing and go forward
towards a glorious heaven. so who is more of a Christian, the
creationist ? or the scientists building the kingdom of heaven
Before
this, when I withdraw after where I do meth, I also commented on
youtube:
and
the Saturn's and Jupiter's having pumbed so much gas that they turned
into clouds , while the fish on neptune and oranus swim in a sea of
clouds for having dropped the ice from their sky and drank all the
water so well it blasted into the atmosphere. and lonely pluoe with
its little cold ants very advanced in the afternoon of atoms. and the
moon babies crawling in the dark pools of the moon.
Two like
before:
and
the people who doubted and laughed descending back into mother's womb
found a fire within the earth and ran away , and those above already
born descending awakened those asleep , those yet who were both born
and unborn saw the coming of a planet spaceship , the only planet
like earth yet different, to show the others life exists apon all the
stars and even the God planets in slumber who have been forgotten and
wait patiently for us to see them as what they are.
Before I
withdrew from meth, when I had only withdrawn from Dexedrine:
God
is caged within our soul , longing to escape he projects himself into
the heaven choosing to believe in himself so that he can sleep at
night. yet he will never escape his bodies monstrous ignorance. Yet
he will try to until he dies. leaving behind messages for future gods
to build apon. the wall that stands before man is impossibly strong ,
yet we have taken out some bricks and this changed our world. however
we may never release our seal entirely as we rely on the laws of life
to accomplish our dreams and cannot break our rules.
This is
the second:
this is
a thought I've had for a while , I'm curious to see what people
think. the question is where does a person's body end , since
technically the universe does not end at your finger tips or any
other part of what you consider your body and area of control , the
universe continues to exist and every point between your body and say
the chair exists , therefore if every point exists and each point is
connected to other points by the thing existing between the two
points both points are attached by the points between and that means
that the physical thing that is your body is not just the bag of
flesh you have control over but also every other point that exists ,
wich means all objects or things in existence, saying that however
your mental control only reaches to the end of your bag of flesh and
your senses are limited to the position of you mental body within the
physical world.
Then we finally reach my 17 year old self, who is lost in hell and
thinks its suffering and most are living futile lives:
Every
person on this planet grew up and has lived a different life and
because of the environment we are born in shapes us , it is almost
impossible for someone to not have bias over other groups of people.
And the worse part is , there isn't going to be a time when we've
overcome that difficulty , because its far too beneficial for the
rulers of this world. The powerful are the true gods, using the rest
of mankind as a machine to fuel and build their perfect world , one
that completes their every desire , because they are just like every
other human. Only they sit at the top of the tower. And this is how
humanity has always functioned and always will. So stop whining about
the worlds cruelty and start ruling the world. Or be ruled.
The next, remember these are responses to others on the internet:
Sigh
, if only humanity would stop hopelessly clinging to the idea that
they're special and that's there's some sort of meaning behind all
the chaos. Meaning is a human quality , that is why we see the beauty
of a poem or a song. But the universe isn't a poem , its a phenomenon
we cannot yet fully explain , but we have learned many things and
those facts and theories have shown us that the universe doesn't
actually give a single fuck whether we survive or die off. It is
survival of the fitest and it always has been , except for most of
our history man has been fearful of the universe's absurdities, so
they've desperately tried to come up with other , more convenient
story's to help us sleep at night. We aren't special and life is
absurd , deal with it.
It's funny, I didn't realize I was already done trying to convince
people to change, not in kindness but hopelessness and viewed life
very differently then today, I add a third, because this is what I
mean.
There's
no reason to judge someone for what they believe in , if your
christian or Muslim or anything else it shouldnt matter. If it
bothers you so much that someone has different views or a different
opinion then just ignore it. I mean honestly though if there gonna go
to hell cause they don't believe anyways there's no reason to be an
asshole about it. You'll just be able to laugh at them when you
chilling in heaven or afterlife or whatever. There's no reason to
fight over something that in the end we'll never know for sure if
it's right or wrong. And if you are good for you , I guess you where
right and every other non believer was wrong, but so be it. If
someones views are different or unheard of you shouldnt judge them
for being different. There human , like you and every person has
there own identity and individuality.
There
life was different from yours so you can't even come to understand
how it is to be them and you never will. So stop arguing about life
and whatevers after , your opinions and thoughts and just live your
own God damn life. Ps. I'm an atheist, but I have no intention on
convincing other people that I'm right because it's pointless and
sometimes people just need the hope and faith in there life to keep
going day to day.
Then some warning signs from 6 years ago or before, when I am 16 and
even before that between minecraft videos are things like:
Embrace
the dark , give it your life and may it corrupt your soul
Larry
fell off the tree and died
I
hate craftbench's they murdered my family
This ones just a forgotten fact of mine and funny things I don't
remember saying:
Elvis
the cat, Jet the cat and Charlie/Charlene the tranny cat.
I will add that my cat Charly, was originally thought to be a girl,
but we realized he was a boy and then I called him the tranny cat.
Once while dreaming I ask a girl I like if she would eat my tranny
cat out loud while asleep at a sleep over and her boyfriend heres it
and thinks it laughs, he's my best friend. Thinking back, in context
it sounds like I said:
“(girls name here) would you eat my dick.”
Given the reference of my actual cat who is not a girl but a guy,
appearently I''m beinga sly asshole even in my sleep.
Some more funny comments:
Didn't
some guy come up with daylight savings time so he had more time to
catch insects
I
like how people's insults on the internet is calling them a twelve
year old
This is my first comment, as a blasphemous young teen who hates the
bible:
Lol , the
last thing she says is : Wow it's huge.
What does any of this have to do with being ASPD, firstly its my
progression of opinion which begins as lacking one and being
blasphemous, then becomes highly nihilistic, only to become
philosophical in wiser sense, goes crazy and then starts talking
about jesus. Before ending with:
I
can make a apple green from red by changing my definition of red , to
green. Also, the sum of all magic is coincedence, its a coincedence
the apple is red, i just have to say its green cause reality doesnt
care about color or shape. But i subscribed cause im bored.
This last one is my most recent comment on youtube. Its a lot
different that where I began and this is because I have more then
just the habit of thinking horrible things, rather I also enjoy story
telling, science, art and philosophy. Aswell as playing video games
and defeating badguys.
All these things I do when I'm not writing or thinking of sickly
violence for pleasure as a lighter side of myself. This means even
though I'm a monster I'm still a person with similar desires to
others. Infact because I feel so bad for what little I did and feel
in narcissism smarter then most I spend a lengthy time after the meth
incident trying to fix problems in a way beyond good and evil. As
Nietzsche is still the best philosopher.
Thing is, these occupations did not save me from corruption, even
when after a year of only darkness the withdrawal, delusions and
previous writings made me actually become bored of dark things for a
while. This is very true as after I take and withdraw from
amphetamine the first time I enter a strange state of delerium after
being bored and end up wanting to do something other then write
horrible stories for the rest of m life.
This was good, because I managed to do the act of violence enough to
satisfy my need for an entire two or so years after, where I did less
work in shadow and more in light because I felt better. This is
because I transcended the nightmares I was seeing for having gone too
far into them and having liked the whole ride, while growing bored.
This may happen to a person who does this, they may not feel the need
to be a bad person for a while after because their distracted by new
ideas.
This is why my own experience with ASPD revolves around helping my
boredom with entertainment such as projects and subjects I enjoy and
when bored of that getting of to violence without consequence. These
allow me alot of spent time and leads only to issue where my self
medicating is a conflict amoung my family.
These for the pain of meth, the withdrawal from those same drugs and
still the boredom uncured which lead to over consumption of food and
stealing some cereal ( i really like cereal ) and rarely stealing
some of my dads weed. I live in canada, that stuff is legal now just
so you know. The reason is because I'm in pain, both in withdrawal,
anxiety and boredom and need a buffer to relieve it or cannot
continue.
All of these are gone now that I'm on meth, because it removes the
pain of itself and boredom and the anxiety. I also don't get high or
try to get high off it, feeling mostly like anyone would when on ADHD
meds. Still I am not a person with ADHD because a person with ADHD
while bored is not usually known for bad behaviour and has no
withdrawal. ASPD could be viewed as in similar manner a far worse
mutation of the same issue, much like depression is like the baby
version of BPD or Bordeline Personality disorder.
I was misdiagnosed with either, because the tests used ask questions
which are often shared by both and any problematic behaviour patterns
reason to give a child the young version of ASPD called Conduct
Disorder. They missed that part with me, as a year before I was
checked for first ADHD and Aspergers, I was pretending to be bullied,
while being bullied and bullying another kid with likely a conduct
disorder. We weren't friends, we were enemies who fucked with each
other for a whole year, it escalated when he threatened to stab me
and I don't know if he was serious.
We still talk sometimes, its kind of weird because while I have long
outgrown the need to treat others terribly, whenever I talk to him he
still fucks with me. I also don't know how he feels about that
childhood as I'm not him, he may see it differently. After I move I
made several video games, where the main villain's name is a
distortion of that guys name and never complete any, later pride
becomes conflated with Kreh, because I know I got away with something
kind of fucked up, that my parents still believe was me and only me
being bullied and not some kind of sadistic game played by two
children.
Finishing up, is the reason why my original attempts at finding a way
to fix myself didn't work. When I realized that heaven is best found
in the places where we think and have what we want I didn't know what
to do then, because Parsemy I was going bored of and didn't have
anywhere to go with it except that of what I wanted. I didn't quite
know what I wanted at first but quickly realized it was hell and
regressed internally overtime and only in periods to a more malicious
self, who fantasized often and even called himself a demon. I made no
mention of this, beyond the dog demans that I made a blog which I
kept highly toned down.
The reality was I was sleeping and as soon as I take meth, I snap and
go on this weird side adventure where not only am I no longer living
in heaven as I thought once, nor heaven and hell as between, now I
live only in hell and want to suffer and torment myself
psychologically and physically. I had already started burning myself
with cigerrets, and walking considerable lengths for exhaustion.
While I have several written parts, these I need not share as it's
climax occurs the night I buy meth and write down a 71 page story (
far longer then previous over a week) where the dog demans do
horrible things. I can't share a page for it, because it requires
pictures. And I will share one picture.
However this story practices a discovered method of violence closer
to virtual reality that i enjoy more then just stories and is my
newest toy when I'm not working on its opposite. It will be the part
called Caven which is the next subject we share.
This story I wrote over a week, called The Dog Demans is found in the
yonder text, and this is where it begins in the book:
Page 740
Below are the images I place as forwarning, they are the only like
them in the text and they are shocking. Which is why I leave them at
the end with warning, and finish what I'm saying.
The entire new fantasy with the dog demans revolves around bring
about a hell future instead of one where things are okay, and this
includes by magic making everyone addicted to meth, this in itself is
amoung the reason subconscious for my choice to take meth over adhd
medication which I could have had if I'd waited another week due to
being sober.
This means my corruption level, of internal behaviors had reached a
point where I was actively considering something worse then death and
creating the most psychopathic of plots in my mind to then form
through a single impossible act. I say impossible because at the end
of the story I discover a world that cannot be destroyed just as I
grow bored.
But if you want to know the evil plan I had read the story.
That evil plan was first fantasied as taking meth, but then after
with no effect at all in reality ( obviously cause no one knows ) the
world did not devolve into hell and this while not full intentional
was among a growing fantasy that was taking hold. A reverse of all
the promises I made on the internet.
This I did three times, releasing hell like in prosporo while
withdrawing, while looking for meth and once while on meth, during
these states I live in hell alone, only when bored do I snap out of
it and add it is also heaven. This became increasingly influential
and is likely what causes both sets of two doors.
The first and second:
- Do I continue to do meth,, or do I stop and try adhd meds.
- Do I live a life without harming others, or do I?
These in my mind at the time were left without certainty, shruggued
off as decisions of oneday and not today, and that is very bad
because it means I'm not sure which I will take. This then lead me to
the realization that I am currently living almost as a prisoner,
because I live most of my days in a room, go outside sometimes, am
completely alone and can't do anything more then create stuff.
This makes me realize that Prison isn't that bad, until I begin to
withdraw from meth and realize I don't want to, nor want to in
prison. This collapsed the uncertainty of the previous questions,
because even after trying and forcing myself to stop after as an
experiment, here I am at 4 in the morning, when I started writing at
nine on meth. Given that I gave into the temptation to take meth
instead, and then go on a week long hell rampage, I fear that while
my youth left me uncertain, my future may have done the same in the
wrong direction again. In a selfish attempt to create a fantasy,
which I'll add is best resolved by simply continuing as business
usual. This is my reason to suggest that a youth being diagnosed with
conduct disorder and not helping himself should be given ADHD meds.
Further, if even this does not solve their conduct and their
behaviour issues, then in their desire alone to help themselves, may
they further use the tools I have created and if this still leaves
them at the two doors, then take meth to give incentive for the right
thing. As I will say this again, after a week without meth, I could
barely sit still for an hour waiting to get it and was in actually
psychological torment I am physically unable to enjoy.
This idea, should not be given to those who simply want to try the
drug, rather its for those who got stuck doing it and for those who
may very well need it to not harm themselves further or even further
others unrelated.
Infact, I would leave a law in place where a person sharing the drug,
with anyone who is not using it unless they are prescribed or were
unfortunate enough to end up stuck with it prior, should be arrested
and put in jail for a time as already the case.
As it is literally that much of a blessing and a curse and a person
who isn't at the least uncertain of their own ability to make the
right choices. Is likely not meant to take it at all. Luckily it is
rare that a person who knows the right and wrong and can see pain as
undesired is going to take that drug.
Finally, do not go and presume if you have issues that this is the
one way you can help yourself if you struggle with fantasies of
violence, because its still not easy and has consequence and I cannot
yet confirm it actually works as it has several factors at play:
- It's difficulty to acquire as being illegal leads to come downs.
- It causes both kinds of psychosis ( Paranoid and Grandiose )
- It is unlikely you'll ever be able to comfortably stop it permanently.
- In desperation people are known to commit crimes at times.
All of this means I need to myself to ensure as a simple test in my
own work ( outside any effect I or another can have on the law ) to
ensure I can remain out of jail while on it even in desperation if it
occurs. I must also focus on limited environments which allow poverty
to live a better life for my greater goals which are not always
related to pain, but good intent. This requires knowing the bottom
well and is these are among my reasons for staying here, beyond that
it helps me organize and clearly expresse my thoughts without being
overly bored. Below are the images that I made the first purchase.
These are what dog demans look like today, compared to the lie that is before:
The blond character and this character are the same one, and the brown haired first images depicts myself as a dog deman under the alias of Mazer. They represent the real side of myself that comes out to play when its bored and wants to have a little fun.
A dog deman today is anyone who claims to be one, especially if they are uncircumscised, have a hunchback and their legs can fold backwards. If you want to be one but your not uncircumsciesed theirs the demon option for the difference of tail. This does not mean all people are these things as it is just as much a race as any other and in this case one that is claimed by any coloration.
Also, while I add this here and say girls can also be dog demans, they are not part of my kind and rather are another sort, as to me and only me, all women are human and a dog deman is not, but also always very gay albeit open to ladies for continued failure to go extinct ( Extinction is an available goal of dog demans ). This is because while it is true that humans are both male and female, this does not have to be the case in reality and a specific species can reproduce by parasite on another or by exitinction arrival.
These I say in I because I am a Dog Deman.
However, this is part of my inner world, which lives on caven in this blog and when I'm on a cosmic walk I often help humans instead of what I do in the story called The Dog Demans. Which I later respond as being a virtual reality.
These are good enough as tools I find to help a person and I would only recommend meth to someone who is laying in bed, masterbating to the two doors cause he knows he can't tell which to take. Which I totally did before realizing I had already shot myself in the foot and could never enjoy prison.
Below is the kinds of dreams I have when sleeping and withdrawing, although the recent are very peculiar and listed last. This is a final forwarning to anyone who dares try that drug, the dreams are very vivid, but before an image which depicts my face over the years up until today:
The first of the large picture is me sober, the second is imidiatly before I go insane as told in the yonder book, the one where I'm not happy, I'm not because I'm withdrawing, and the last was taken five minutes ago.
I can neither well depict myself in art, but I do look like Mazer the character when my hair is cut and he has brown hair, the difference is that Mazer has more strength of which I still want to do and will likely start hitting the gym again.
But this will mean eating as I am as skinny as I was in the first picture today. That's cause I barely ate for two months that seem like a blurr.
Below are the kinds of dreams I have, Mazer's hair in the dream looks like my younger selfs longer hair, which I always have after a while without a haircut, as I tend to pass through the entire cycle of mens haircuts and then and only then do I get a haircut.
I also need to shave but will have to go to a different town, to shave my beard that started this year and I need electrict hair razors to cut them not razors because the hair is too thick to be cut at all.
These
are some of the infinity of dreams I have ventured, these are those
changes that have occured and there are those things I sleep of and
wake in each day, as having seen same spaces woke or slumber I know
only this place called always that city of Prosporo.
This
place drawn is the conclusion of where I've been ad above now I must
go, from those spaces below. Seeya
I
went for a nap and had a dream and while i don't remember all the
details, it was among the technically worst but still an experience.
It began in what may have been a similar area to the previous dream I
had that morning, as their were several half walls in this place and
this part is more vague then the end only from memories sake. At some
point I was a beat up by some guy violently and stalked by him, I
think he kind of just showed up while I was with people who were then
no longer there, I escaped and found my parents at some kind of event
but knew the guy who followed me was planning something with the many
people young, parents and old there so I tried to save them with my
friends who were back ( I seemed completely oblivious and as though
the shifting nature of the dream made sense with settings and people
not arriving traditionally ), I told my parents something, something
about a different wall then the ones called the wall, the hwall and
the waterwall.
Still,
it seemed people were preparing for some event relating to what I was
up to before the first guy came to beat me up and when I mentioned
the wall thing, they misheard it as what seemed like what they were
supposed to do, at which point I realized this might help save them
so I repeated the weird forgotten sentence a few times and everyone
ran down two seperate and opposed halls that turned into a swimming
pool, at some point I ended up at an off shoot under cove of that
swimming pool hall place, I remember maybe a rust cage like ceiling
somewhere because I tried to save someone and a different insidious
person appeared.
This
is when I watched two women get shot by this guy, vaguely similar to
the first but not the same, I feared I would be next but it was as
though I was a ghost in the scene unable to do anything, the first
women to be shot was willing and the second one I'm not sure but
something was off about her in general, when the guy came to shoot
the second girl it was revealed in a surreal way that the bullets
contained a drug, I don't know if the second women was shot and then
the first women being shot scene was repeated but this time it was
more obvious, in a distorted sense that the gun contained the drug.
Then I seemed to have departed by some means and ended up in a feild
park forest of somekind and I was thinking about the guy who had
attacked me and wondered what it meant, I didn't know if I was fine
and for some reason wanted to meet him again. So I flew up a stair
case that was quite high, while doing so I thought:
“If you make it up the stair case your fine, if you don't you die.”
I'm
not sure if i reached the top of the staircase, only remembering
almost the top. It seemed perhaps that I fell because I remember
looking back down, the angle however suggests other wise. Then
somewhere in that are scenes of the guy from before and then I'm in a
rather familiar place in my dream world, this mall full of strange
things, at first all seems normal and then it sort of unfolds into
this beautiful parade where people are wearing all this makeup and
extravagant dress and clothing, their was even a women on and yet
somehow not on stilts as though they were stilts but also her legs,
their was music and song, the people including me walked about until
their was a staircase to which as we approached it I saw myself
dressed as a super women with blond hair and called myself a whore (
I'm a dude ) until arriving at my dorm atop the staircase, as though
I was hungover from some party and knew what was about to take place
as though i'd been there before and said: “Oh no, not this place
again.”
The
room, seemed in context like i'd been there earlier today and was
orange and made of wood but somewhat relaxing and reminded me of my
bedrooms dresser which was of the same color. It had two doors the
first with an opaque glass window and the second slightly open. I do
not recall after waking and currently in consideration, ever having
been here in this room before. I went in and this is where inside I
saw first an individual sitting or standing on a chair or on the
floor ( depending on sit or stand ) but as I got closer I touched my
face and felt dry skin or makeup/facepaint and then saw that it
was... “Mazer” who looked like myself but with hair as that of my
character Briv who at times is how my hair actually is, when I don't
cut it for a lengthy period of time. Although I admit this version of
myself had a far more evil grin, and was stronger and bigger then me.
I only recognized him on waking from the dream in memory. In my
dreams I never recognize the characters except in one case which was
Leon.
In
my dream, I can fly and always in the same city but in a different
setting where their was a hill and maybe a feild. That city is among
three cities and a university/highschool built from mixes of places
I've attended and more additions, as well as a mall of diverse things
and huge scale, all I can recall, and go to always while sleeping and
a tall white tower which I always become afraid of at the top is at
the center. These same places are as a whole called Avondale, and is
a very real place the work of Parsemy is brought from.
At
somepoint in one of those dreams, perhaps after running away from
them or trying to fight them at the same time, this is when I met
Mazer but he was skinnier and that other person whom may have been a
relative, I was afraid and after speaking with the older guy, I had
some kind of serious conversation about owing something involving
parsemy, left either in death or other means, to be continued in as a
tangent in a second.
One
of the other people present in the current dream, whom had a smile
with one side of his teeth clean and the other half rotten, the tall
blond haired guy who is Leon, all of us discussed something shortly.
Not quite sure what exactly it was.
Often
in my dreams things are more advanced forms of parsemy that I can
never quite remember. These
things also loop back to modern events taking place on earth here in
reality.
Leon
can change height in both dreams and story and isn't always short
even in my dreams as in chance in the other dreams where I saw Mazer,
I met Leon as well but he was shorter but at the same time now I
wonder if perhaps it had been Trixie or something instead, they may
have both been there.
This
took place in a place that in a previous dream was on a spaceship and
contained several spaces resembling different provinces of Canada in
style and depiction. This is something I concluded and wasn't
informed on me outside myself as part of some weird running thing I
did, it may also be part of the university I go to sometimes in this
dream landscape/ place.
From
this context it seemed to be somewhere on earth however. But
Leon's teeth were clean on this occasion as i remember a smile and he
explained first that my new high jumping feet that were designed to
include and option to break my feet if I wanted/ accidentally put
them under it somehow. I had forgot I could already fly
from previously in the dream. After I met a business man
who may have been Leons's father and suddenly thought this was real
life and I had arrived on vacation to the distant future and to a
strange island that I had been taken too, the business man explained
that he wanted to help me somehow with Avered portal worlds and I
said something along the lines of:
“It
would be too expensive.” Which
is actually the second time I do that as:
Once
while astral projecting I met Lepoxiania and after having sex, we
discussed Fidget spinner universes and I mentioned: “It
would be too expensive.” He
said that was smart.
He
seemed to like the idea, we had some kind of game competition, in
which I tried jumping to finish line in the tropics of that place
outside the other space and it was beautiful with the other kind of
water that sometimes appears in my dreams, which has similarity to a
water found a certain videogames.( Specifically Mario galaxy ) but it
ended. At some point either before or after the
competition, my perception ejected from my body and I saw my face
half cartoon, but as though I was Leon and not myself and stated
myself something along those same lines.
I
saw nothing special about the other one person present ( However on a
little bit more analysis, the third person may have been myself but
is unclear, and was not Mazer, because in the dream the angle shifted
of approach shifted as though I was a fourth person, who was looking
at the other wall from that of the door to right ) the three after
the discussion promptly tortured me as I considered my futile
situation, they first psychologically tortured me by handing me fake
guns as they took more fake guns out of the guns while I was in
uncertainty of what would happen.
They
handed me these guns as they took more of them out of other guns and
my arms held more an more of them, then they handed me a knife I
noticed among the pile of guns and I tried to hold onto it to defend
myself but it was taken from me by one of them who was either “Me”
or Leon, I did these things in a calm but fearful demeanor. Then the
knife was then used to cut razor blades from a rolled tube of long
razors which cut like sodium but were as sharp and hard as expected ,
these fell onto my body and face as I was now layed down on my own
for no reason or seeming will or care beyond mild terrified concern.
This
was reminiscent of an older and perhaps among the first nightmares I
had while I was behaving more like pharath, where in this dream I was
told that the appearant bad guy at the time was going to come and
kill me at 1'o'clock and I thought I had time to prepare in a house
that had a tarp tent in it, however I was wrong about it being in the
afternoon and it was now 1 in the evening as several men, including
the one who was the relative of Mazer and Mazer this time with a cut
on his arm appeared and may have stabbed me at some point after I was
pinned to the floor without any direct connection.
Like
several other dreams at the time, like the one the with me and two
others venturing into a garden like place with a pillar full of snow,
while seeing white almost icing like stuff on the floor, only for a
janitor to come in horror to tell us it was poison and then me waking
up. Always ended with me praying to jesus to save their souls.
The
difference is unique in this later dream of mine.
After
Mazer was done putting razor shrapnel on me I somehow by someone, had
my mouth filled with dirt or cement and covered me in it too, I
couldn't tell whether it was dirt or cement beyond that it was moist
and granular and I couldn't see much due to the razor shrapnel to
such degree that my vision was distorted. Then at that point one of
them, perhaps the one with strange teeth , or the one who is me...
(The
reason I say that is because I can still see the room as though in
two places seeing through a pin hole but also beyond it into the
room, with them still present but its sort of unclear. These kinds of
strange perspectives sometimes happens in my dreams but I've gone on
too many tangents, twice my dream wasn't even human landscapes,
sometimes I bounce between places somewhat in will by exiting my
body, but at the same time have no clue what is taking place. Once
I'm in rehab developing sleep itself but white instead of black
before dreams.)
On
of them Said: “Wait let's torture him first”
Then
they may have been planning to electrocute me as I thought this and I
felt them place pincers on part of me, then I thought I would die in
likelihood and had given up my attempt to escape, only seeming unable
to move while feeling no form of restrain and then I woke up. Upon
waking I was mildly concerned, as I thought something like: “I died
and now I'm back in heaven.”
Then
I went outside and I had a cigarette and pondered on whether I was
doing the right thing with my ideas as I wasn't sure how I felt about
the dream, thinking that the above dream was an example of both it's
more positive and negative aspects, seeing as the dream was
terrifying ( but not as much so on later recollection ) and was also
a dream which had no real consequence.
At
some point Mazer added that he didn't know what to say and I was a
little confused about the situation as it would evidently take time
to process. While coming back inside I considered how my dreams had
changed in the passing of boredom, having rarely been about the scary
things, knew it was due to withdrawal from drugs and didn't really
care even remembering in my room later, a previous dream ( I am
actually awake during this part and Mazer is real but that's
complicated ):
Not
sure where it started exactly, but a guy got turned into a flesh
canvas being painted, in which he had a dress, then later after
thinking that was sad a seductive female police officer killed me in
cold blood awoke in what may have been some kind cabin i've never
been too and was creeped out and heard a noise, looked outside to see
a tall lanky dog running around, I got scared and woke up again and
then the dog pounced out of the wall or mirror in the bathroom and i
woke up somewhat creeped out cause it was dark. Then I think I went
back to bed or stayed up but I don't remember. I think it's funny
now.
Another
fun thing about my dream is that I've had that reoccurring false
awakening dream of waking up and having bad mobility and some kind of
weird distortion and cannot always wake up and sometimes know i'm
dreaming but can never leave my bed, then I wake up for real and once
I was strangled by an invisible force but this is also the only time
I don't remember waking up and trying to get out of bed, at which
point I just remember being awake with no line between laying and
standing. The cabin is one of few false awakenings where I wasn't in
my own room, but those were also times I didn't realize I was
dreaming. Since then I've had this one:
In
the dream it I woke up in a similar looking room, where I was looking
out a similar window to my room. Outside it was bright and everything
was lit by yellow light. I was immediately Lucid, knowing full well I
was asleep and had just fallen asleep and yet I could not get out of
bed. I tried to move and while I could feel my real body moving while
I was asleep I continued to stare out the window pinned there.
I
realized this and tried to get up while pinned in this mental vision.
I may have gotten out of bed in reality, but I got scared cause I
heard the fan and didn't know if I was dreaming or not. I then get
back in bed, all while still staring out the window and tried
pinching myself but didn't wake up.
I
shut my eyes and rolled over, hoping to wake up by tricking my dream.
I felt myself roll over in reality and then I opened my eyes to see
the same window and was shocked. I was vaguely reminded of the story
in Avondale in this book, then I noticed I could vaguely see myself
in my pillow and I looked like a zombie, so a freaked out and slapped
myself.I woke up, my eyes opened , my hand on my face and I was
facing the same window now with white light instead of yellow. My
earphones were behind me where I'd been facing before falling asleep
listening to music.
Then
I concluded the following a wrote it down, later I may have edited
it, before extending in vast detail the dream that took up less then
what follows. Sometimes I tone down my experiences cause i get
nervous and excited and then maybe bored or something, and change my
mind for some reason.
The
moral is that once I would pray to jesus in my waking of nightmare
and today all me and Mazer do is laugh and move on much as we do when
being slaughtered in our dreams. I still am working on that city
called Prosporo and it still is within and without me in the world of
all things...
Conclusion
of Lemuria's Flower's Reality
This
topic was about ASPD, Drug abuse, my past and the issue of pleasure,
which is so far in difference between a good person and a bad, that
one would feel it differently if ever to encounter it. It is however
both cure and curse as pleasure leads to many actions good or bad and
it may be that people with ASPD lack the ability to feel pleasure the
same way others do, leading to them feeling pleasure where would
normally be a danger of lifes natural behavior ( to survive ). This I
have solved in myself by using meth, as it is a highly potent and
highly addictive drug that emulates in the recognition of its
withdrawal something comparable to empathy for a selfish person, who
can feel none, but his own conflict.
Lemuria's
flower is the plucking of a drug that is going to imprisone one if
found on the street and further, the drug is not meant for others who
are not like myself and meaning unable to decide between something
that should seem obvious, but ended up being left in the air.
The
flower should never be picked, and this is where I leave the story,
saying only if you wish to know all my sins, read the first half of
the Yonder text, as I have written them all down there as I can
remember. It shall further reveal a delusion, which I will finish
here, in that my work, while not knowing of this delusion before the
encounter, thinks in my own experience with that kind of abuse. May
very well help a person recover from these in filling the mind with
distractions of other works and even prevent later events of this
kind through similar manners. My work here even in its original
ignorance of that delusion, I hope to be able to say is still amoung
my reasons for trying my best to help myself and others with problems
of the mind, from the inside.
This
I will add, as a final note for those only who read it all.
You
may doubt I am what I claim as I am not diagnosed ( they only do so
when its a problem ) and this is further confused by differences
between the observed effect of a psychologist and the subjective
experience of a person who is not the traditional psychopath. Rather
I would argue against something I recently saw on the Psychopath
reddit where I sometimes post. The nature of the replication crisis
is not because my kind lies about their illness nor the liars in the
feild. Rather it is that a mind grows and changes with time and
period of history and as a result symptoms of mental issues change in
time, as it is unlikely that man knew the same madness when he lived
in the forests as he does today.
I
would thus argue their is no replication crisis, merely a shift of
thought within the mentally ill themselves.
This
coming from someone who knows very little of psychology as a feild,
but is self claiming having studied his own mind in similar manner to
Carl Jung as a child and later on in life, at which point I am able
to find that mind is far more complex then just my darkly issues but
spreads past into my other ideas which while not typical to
modernity, are real in a manner one does not easily understand.
This
is not my psychosis, which is always comparible to manic and jarring
or paranoid and realisitic, which while rarely encountered by average
people, has little to do with what I study beyond being source of
some initial insperation misguided by delusion turned into art.
But
this I share on the internet, with the eclian and the original
nightmares to show the truth of what I am so that it comes not as a
shock oneday. My mishonesty before is brought on by both fear of
safety from Meth use inpired in others and my own fear of what will
occure when this more honest reality is surfaced.
If
one ever meets me on the street, treat me as a person, not as a
monster, and you will be given calm respect and a friendly smile. As
it should be said, that many people have met someone with ASPD and
don't know it, because very little happened and they were not in need
of those things the stereotype creates. Which rarely shows the human
inside the monster, lost in a pain few can understand.
I
am lonely, although this matters no longer to me because I have been
alone a very long time and I would add here that I can feel for
people but rarely the people who did nothing or said nothing, I can
understand that while I don't care, you care. Yet my oddity in
behavior for being eccentric makes many leave me behind and I fear
this places me in a place I have avoided, so often blamed not on the
write person. As I will bring this up once and I will argue that it
is not their fault, in the case of the loner and not the problem
child.
Their
are two kinds of killers which exist,
Their
is the one who has joined evil in the end and set out to harm others
for mostly pleasure and mostly a desire for short and fleeting bliss,
that could be acquired in less consequential manners. This is the
stereotypical serial killer, who is often eccentric and has an
obsession with death. This is technically where I could have ended
up, if I wasn't trying my best over years to control something many
have all but given up with the ability to control, mostly for selfish
reasons but still I did the right thing for my own wrong reasons.
The
other, is never spotted and so often expected these days on the
planet, he or she is the one lost in the sea of faces abandonned by
their peers from birth to end, bullied and tormented into a rage
which when free from it is too late to escape and their own life then
leads nowhere, so they only know one answer and it is to go back or
forward and destroy other peoples life, because the world has failed
them. This is not their fault, this is the one who was failed.
I
can relate to both, even in my current state alone in a small room,
similar to a part in the eclian and I will say that while it is hard
to live alone with little more to do then talk on the internet with
people mostly looking to tell you your wrong. I won't do either of
these things above, because it taints my work and I definitely don't
want to withdraw.
Alas,
i feel for both these people who are both abandonned either in no
reason or for what they are.
I
wil live as a person because I have something to live for and I'm
also high so my surroundings while very limited are spared by what I
have and these I feel I can live on for a lengthy amount of time. I
fear only the withdrawals end where after monsters their is only a
horrid bordom, exhaustion and insomnia of which I am left incredibly
unable to do the very thing I love. As all posts before lemuria, were
made in a week. This text was written in almost perfect continuity in
one night.
Alas
I have three hours before I come down, perhaps then will I go to
sleep or continue, but in the mean time I will share places of Caven
in another page.
So
may I continue to be a good boy, and may someone else learn something
from this.
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